To Say Goodbye Forever?
by KathyMata
Summary: Jane makes a decision that she thinks might help Maura stop hating her. Angst Rated R for Drug useage.
1. Goodbye Forever

I decided to do this story for after Season 2's finale. I figured Jane can't live with Maura hating her so this is my angst one-shot.  
><em><span><strong>I do not own the characters from Rizzoli &amp; Isles<strong>_. Also I revised this chapter because I now have Word on my laptop. So I hope for the best of this chapter.

-Love,  
>Kathymata<p>

_Thinking_

_**Messages**_

**Importance**

"I wonder how you say goodbye to someone forever." Ann M. Martin

Jane's P.O.V: - To say goodbye forever.

There are times where I sit in my apartment all alone and no one can save me from the self hatred going own in my own mind. I realize during these times how lucky I was to my Maura has my best friend...**My Only Best Friend**. Now I have to live with the fact that she hates my guts and never wants to see me again, drinking only cheap beer from the liquor store down the street. Drinking my pain away, pitying myself for being such a fool. I hated my self for pulling the trigger, why couldn't Maura see that.

Why did everyone look at me with pity? Can't they tell I don't want it? Or are they just trying to make me feel more like an ass? How much farther do I have to suffer till enough is enough? I can't live without Maura, or at least that's what I used to believe.

Maura was always the one I loved. I didn't realize that till she told me to stay away from her. How can I say goodbye to someone forever? I can't do that while I'm still breathing. It hurts too much to imagine a life without you. I found out how to say goodbye to you and never have to deal about the choice I made to shoot even when I wasn't in any real danger.

So here I am with a bottle of ice-cold beer and a nice plain, white medicine bottle at my disposure, typing this heart-felt e-mail to the one woman that completely held my heart and still holds even in death. So here it goes...

_**Maura,**_

_**I'm completely sorry about the way everything went down at the burnt factory. Just realize that I would never hurt you, or intended to. Now when you receive this e-mail I would have probably hurt you two times in a row now, if this causes any pain to you. I just wanted to say a few things to you.**_

_**First, I'm in love with you and I didn't realize that I had something good for once till it was too late.  
>I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you like I promised, so now I'm making it up. I'll never intend for things to end the way it did. I told you that as long as I'm a live no one will hurt you. It's now a broken promise. I never broken a promise to you and never intended to.<strong>_

_**Secondly, you'll be the only person I talked to for now on. Because I might be a hero to others, but to my self I'm a coward with a badge and a gun.  
>Knowing that I hurt you and you think that I'm a cold-blooded murder like Hoyt changes everything.<br>I never cared for what others thought, only you. Now you won't even look at me like you once did.  
>Full of pride and love, but you would never see me like that.<strong>_

_**I hope you can find someone who can actually protect you from any more hurt, because I'm no longer that person. Nor will I ever be again. I will always love you, Maura. Please that my family and friends that I'm sorry for what I'm about to do today. And I don't want you to cry over me because I'm not worth it. And it was never your fault, so don't blame yourself.**_

_**-Love always,  
>Jane Rizzoli<strong>_

And with that I hit the send button before shutting off my laptop. I wrote down things that I wanted to be done with my body if anyone came looking for me. I always wrote a note to everyone who needed an explanation for this. After I got off the sofa and filled Jo's doggy bowl so she'll have food and water to last until someone came.

Grabbing a beer and savoring the last one I would ever drink I threw it against the wall once I was done. _God damn-it!  
>How can I ever hurt Maura, I loved her more than life it's self...<em> was all that I thought. Cleaning up my apartment one last time I smiled at all the memories that were made in here, good and bad, before walking into the restroom.

Once I was done filing the bath with hot water so I can at least be relaxed when I died. Grabbing my old pain meds, from when I shot myself to protect Frankie and Maura, I grabbed a hand full and swallowed them. Some where from my room my cell phone was going off, some must be calling.

Taking off all my clothes and folding them neatly in a pile I know that Maura would have lectured me for making a mess.  
>Slowly I sat in the bath, waiting for my body to get used to the temperature before laying down relaxing. I grabbed the glass I place on the edge of the corner of the bath, but I couldn't get a grip and it went crushing to the ground. I can hear a banging from my front door. I wonder if Maura already read the E-mail.<p>

I sat there for couple of seconds before I heard the door click, signaling it was unlocked. _Too many people have a key to my apartment._ I can hear my name being shouted, but I already knew who it was, as heels click across the floor. Slowly I feel my body relax and become exhausted. My mind is starting to slow down as well as my heart beat. I can no longer feel the temperature of the water. I'm close to death's door now. I hear the bathroom door open but it seems so far away. I can't even look to see who it is. I no longer have control of my body.

In the corner of my eye Maura comes into my line of vision. She's talking but I can't hear her, it's not understandable anymore. Everything has become all jumbled together. All she does is look at me; tears wells up in her eyes as she takes me out of the bath and register CPR on me, trying to save my life. It's probably too late to be saved now.

A couple of thrusts later an EMT comes into the bathroom and places me on a gurney. _I guess she called 911 like she is suppose to_. He puts an oxygen mask around my mouth and nose, trying to regulate my breathing again. I slowly feel my eyes close. I have no more energy in me. I welcome the darkness it consumes me with welcome arms. I see Maura sitting next to me in the Ambulance. I always hated hospitals, I try to give her a weak smile but I'm to far gone now. In a couple of seconds I would be completely engulf by darkness. I see Maura crying. All I want to do is comfort her, but I can't I don't deserve to I lost her the day I shot her father... 

I take in her beauty one last time before I closed my eyelids; they became too hard to keep open. I don't know how long they've been closed but I can feel warmth spread through my body once again. It's still dark around me no light anywhere. Just warmth and a voice.  
>But I don't know whose. It sounds like Maura's but I highly doubt it. But I can't open my eyes. I hear them crying mow but I can't comfort them. I don't know if I would ever want to wake up. I'll stay here wandering around this black abyss trying to find any thing worth finding.<p>

My name is Jane Rizzoli and I trapped myself in a never ending sleep and I can't find my way out of this black hell.

So I'm sorry for how it ended. I wanted to kill Jane but I couldn't do that to Maura. So yes Jane is in coma. This was made to be a one-shot but if I get enough reviews or likes then I'll probably continue it. Till next time...

-Kathymata


	2. Tasting

So I can't begin to tell you how happy I was to login in my e-mail and see all the reviews the happened over night. You guys made so happy that I honestly started to cry. But just for you who loved it, I decided to continue it. I hope it works out great and I finish this one. Also for those who are reading 'Futuristic Lover' I will continue to update that one as well. As usual, **I don't own the characters of Rizzoli & Isles**. But I do own this Angst story. So don't hate me if the story disappoints you.

Thank you to those who liked and review this story. Here are a couple of shout-outs just for you guys.

Shay0909, Jacqofun, katchel, XenaRizzoli, babygirl81, Chemtechie, apocalypsezy

Onezero-thanks for the grammar advice.

Darkemberdagger-I might do what you asked me to do. ;-)

GlykaLove-Thank you

Myfantasticreality-This's one for you.

zibbsfan05-I'll try

Lola Featherhorn-Thanks for the support.

Sora Yagami-I know I can't do it either.

And so many others…..

You're reviews made me 'So Happy I Could Die' and I love you all. And special thanks to Pride365, halfbadgirl, and apocalypsezy. You're reviews made me laugh oh so much as well as your messages.

-Love,

Kathymata

"_**Tasting what could have been—what should have been—didn't make it easier."**_

- _Kele Moon_, **Beyond Eden**

Chapter 2: _Tasting...didn't make it easier._

Maura's P.O.V

I was awoken but the chiming of my personal computer. It was letting me know that I had received a new e-mail. Still half a sleep, I tried to remember who could have e-mailed me so early in the day. Deep down inside of me, I couldn't help but hope that it was Jane. I could feel the ache in my chest and remember all the funny e-mails she used to send. Waking up to the idea that it might be possible it was Jane, I couldn't have helped myself but going over to the laptop.

But as I neared the computer, I couldn't forget the image of my father shot and broken so badly because of Jane. Because of Jane… why was it so easy to just put the blame on her? It's been at least a month or so of blaming her and not speaking or seeing her. But the day she shot my _**SPERM DONOR**_, as she called him, I lost two things that were very important to me; my trust in Jane and Jane her self.

But to not talk to her for so longer is starting to kill me. I regret ignoring her calls and messages. For some reason all I want to do is to go to Jane's apartment to just hug her and kiss her. _Wait kiss?... since when did I want to kiss Jane? I guess it was ever since Hoyt came back into her life or maybe when we went undercover in the lesbian bar. And I knew was that I found my self both physically and emotionally attracted to Jane and nothing could change that_. That's what I'll do after I'm finish getting ready for the day, I'll go and pay Jane a visit and hope that she can forgive me for being so stupid and a horrible friend. As I took a bath I could hear in the back-round the radio softly playing. Then a new song catches my attention. I can't help think of Jane once I listen to the words and close my eyes...

_**'...My hands, they're strong**_

_**But my knees were far too weak**_

_** To stand in your arms**_

_**Without falling to your feet.. .'**_

I couldn't help but remember the time where Jane gave her self up to Booby just so Frankie and I had a chance to survive.

'_**..But there's a side to you**_

_** That I never knew, never knew.**_

_** All the things you'd say**_

_** They were never true, never true,**_

_** And the games you play**_

_**You would always win, always win…'**_

You always showed me how much I fit in with your family, even when my own didn't. So why did I let this continue for so long?

_**'….But I set fire to the rain,**_

_** Watched it pour as I touched your face,**_

_** Well, it burned while I cried**_

_** 'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!...'**_

Or the time Hoyt had you pinned down but his assistant and had a scalpel to my throat, but some how you manage to over power both of them and save me. When you shot yourself I thought that my life was meaningless. I can't go on without you.

'…_**When I lay with you**_

_** I could stay there**_

_** Close my eyes**_

_** Feel you here forever**_

_** You and me together**_

_** Nothing is better...'**_

-_Adele_: _**Set Fire to the Rain**_.

Finally, when you shot yourself I thought that my life was meaningless. I can't go on without you

Oh Jane, I do love you. So please when I arrive at your small but always cozy apartment, please don't turn me away. I don't think that I could handle it; despite all the pain I'm sure I put you through.

Sighing as I stood up, I grabbed the towel from the rack and quickly dried my self before walking into my closet to find clothes to wear. Choosing a beautiful tortoise dress and simple high heels I walked over to my dresser and quickly combed my hair. As I got ready to leave I put out some British strawberries for Bass, which he slowly walked over to inspect.

Realizing that there was a light drizzle I grabbed my over coat, my detective coat as Jane called it, and I walked out to my car and quickly unlocked it. It wasn't drizzling enough to wet me, but I still hated being out in the rain. For some reason I couldn't help but fell as if there was something wrong; but, I was never one to think of such things, like a cloudy, rainy day, as ominous. For some reason this weather didn't sit well with me. I could feel my gut twisting it's self into knots; which is ridiculous because, for one, unlike Jane I don't relay on my intestines, or gut feelings as she calls them, and secondly guts can't twist themselves into knots.

For some reason all I wanted to do more than anything was to go to Jane's apartment. To me it felt as if something horrible was about to happen. But I quickly dismissed that idea, and waited til my engine roared with life. Taking a deep breath I mentally prepared my self to actually drive over to her apartment.

The drive to Jane's apartment was long and uneventful despite her living close to me. As I pulled up to the building complex I quickly turned off my car and ran to the front door before moving towards the stairs, figuring that waiting for the elevator would take too long.

As I approached her room number I was accustomed to Jane locking her door, but after a certain time she always opened it. After waiting for seemed like 30 minutes I started digging through my Coach purse before finally fishing out my set of keys. As I placed the key into the proper hole, I silently prayed that Jane didn't change her locks and smiled as I heard the click that always signaled the door was unlocked. Also I remembered that in order for Jane to change her locks she would have to actually do it and she never liked to do anything that actually required work.

Knocking on the hard wood door I called out Jane's name waiting for her to reply back in the same manner she always did. But the only thing I could hear was the clicking of my heels against the wooden floor. I then checked her room figuring she must be asleep. When I saw the bed made and Joe Friday's bed empty I called Joe to see if she was here. But there was no hyper dog to come greet me. All I heard was Joe's whining, and I quickly walked over to see what was wrong.

As I walked towards the source of the noise I could see the light from under the door of the bathroom. I knocked on the door and called Jane's name. it must have been the 5th time I called her name cause I still didn't get a response. Opening the door I saw Jane laying still in the bathtub and her pain killer bottle empty and an empty glass of water near the tub. I couldn't help but scream her name as I speed dialed 911 and start to administer C.P.R. as the operator's voice came on I quickly told her to send emergency response to Detective Jane's apartment.

I don't know how long it was til the ambulance arrived and the E.M.T's came and started to stabilize Jane. In that moment I finally glue everything together; Jane had tried to commit suicide and I was the cause of it.

So there is the second chapter everyone. I realize that I may have called Joe Friday him instead of her last chapter but I fixed it this time. Also I had planned to either post this story between today and the weekend but I finished it today so I'm highly proud of my self.

Finally, I would love you all if you can give me back so constructive criticism or just regular criticism, just hit the review button.

As usual I will try to update as fast as I can.

Love,

Kathymata


	3. Couldn't Get Away

_**Hello everyone, for some reason the stories never get posted the same way as when I typed them. Anyways I finally updated this story.. Don't hate me. Also you can follow my on twitter duckykath because I am amazing and I'll even give out clues of next and new chapters as well as stories. Anyways…. As usual I DO NOT OWN RIZZOLI & ISLES OR THE CHARACTERS. Also on another note, I love to read your reviews they make me smile and laugh. It just brightens up my day.**_

_**Love,**_

_**Kathymata**_

"_**She couldn't get any farther away inside from her skin. She couldn't get away."**_  
>― <span><em>Cynthia Voigt<em>_**,**____**When She Hollers**_

Chapter 3: Couldn't get away….

I was walking around in darkness not a soul in sight. Sudden my blood ran cold as I heard his voice talking to me.

"Janie…. Oh come on Jane, you could survive scalpels in both of your hands but not the rejection of your lover girl?" his laughter follows after it making me sick to my stomach.

"You're dead. You can't hurt me." I called out into the darkness trying to escape my personal bogyman.

Suddenly I was in the basement again with Charles Hoyt over me and the scalpels in my hands. I wanted nothing more than to wipe that smug look off of his face, but the pain in my hands became real again and I was trapped just like last time.

His laughter filled the room. " I'm as real as your memories Jane. I know you still dream about me and I am always watching you. I almost had Jane, but that doctor of yours…" he stops and thinks about how Maura gave me power to end him once and for all. "…. Now she was something special Janie. I could see why you love her." He finished pulling out a scalpel and slowly running the blade over my jaw to my ear, just like last time.

Swallowing the bile that threatens to come up I couldn't help but flinch. _Why was this experience as real as the first time? God can't someone hear me! Please someone!_

"Oh Janie no one can hear and no one will save you. Not this time." Then it went black again, but the pain still remained.

"Look at my beautiful niece. Angela you did an exact job here. What's her name?" Some one asked as I saw the darkness slowly turn to a bright white and saw someone carrying around a tiny baby covered in a pink bundle of blankets.

Seeing my mother smile at the man she proudly replied," Her name is Jane, Francisco. Also I wanted to know if you would like to be her god father," curiously showing in her brown eyes.

"Of course I will. I am her only uncle. Tell me Janie do you like the idea of me as your uncle?" He cooed to the tiny bundle. And all it, or I, did was a small giggle. Then the darkness faded back in but the sound of the laughter ranged around loudly.

"Jane…" a familiar voice called but a face couldn't be matched.

"Yes! Who is it? Where are you I can't find or see you!" I yelled out trying to catch their attention.

"JANE NO!" was all that was said as a gun shot followed soon after.

"God Damn it! Where are you?" I yelled as I grabbed my stomach. _I wonder if I'm still alive or if this is my hell?_

Then I found myself in the warehouse again watching myself fire at Doyle and watching, as if in slow motion, him fall off the catwalk. Regret and anger is all I see on both Maura's and my own face, then, as if someone pressed play, everyone suddenly was in regular speed.

"Don't you touch him." Came Maura's harsh command.

Taking my jacket off I tried to stop him from losing anymore blood.

"Maura…." I started but never completed.

"No! Don't Touch him! Just leave him and myself alone Detective.", was her cold and distant voice.

"Jane, please, just wake up. Please for me, just wake up…." Was the last thing I heard as I lost my self in pain.

Now I know why Jane hates the hospital, they never give you enough information. I'm sitting in an uncomfortable chair waiting for either Jane's family to come and meet me or her doctor. I have my money on her family showing up first.

Suddenly the doors to the waiting room opened and the Rizzoli clan came pouring in.

"Oh thank God! Maura, I'm so sorry that you had to find Jane like that." Frankie said as Angela came and hugged me, crying into my shirt.

"It's ok, Frankie. I rather it had been me than one of you guys." I replied back with tears still in my eyes but never spilling over.

"God Maura, it's must have been hard walking in on Jane like that. But it wasn't for you walking in when you did…." Frankie looked down unable to finish that train of thought. Not being able to handle the fact that his older sister tried and would have succeeded in killing her self if not for me.

Then the doors opened revealing Frost and Koresak with envelopes. But before they could say anything the Doctor came in.

**Okay I know it's not as long as the first two chapters, but I didn't want to give too much away just yet. As usual please review, I honestly do read every single review I get. **

**-KathyMata**


	4. Cool Bad Girl

_**I like the fact that some people review as soon as the story is released. Also for the Angst quotes I actually Google them, so it's not so hard to find them if you're ever curious in finding them. As usual I DO NOT OWN RIZZOLI & ISLES OR THE CHARACTERS.**_

_**But special thanks to the first review I got from…..**_

_**Darkemberdagger**_

_**Also just to let you all know. As soon as I post a new chapter I automatically start typing up the next one. Sometimes I have writer's block when trying write and other times I am too busy to keep writing. So hopefully this was worth the long wait.**_

_**-Kathymata **_

"**There aren't many poster children for cool angst. Everybody thinks it's cool if you're the bad girl."**

-Fiona Apple

Chapter 4- Cool Bad Girl

Maura's P.O.V:

_**Flashback:**_

_**Everyone was holding their breath as the doctor approached.**_

"_**Excuse me. Are you here for Jane Rizzoli?" He asked while looking at his chart. He was well toned and very chiseled.**_

"_**Yes I'm her mother. How is she Doctor?" Angela asked as we all got up and followed behind her a few feet.**_

"_**Well it seems that she is healing but slowly. Also we put in a medical induced coma, so her body can fully heal. Whether she wakes up on her own is up to her, I'm afraid."**_

_**We were all just stunned. No one knew what to say and that's when the Doctor decided to take his leave.**_

_**That was 3 months ago….**_

_***End of Flashback***_

"Maura, honey, we're going to head over to the hospital to see how Janie is doing. Do you want to come?" Angela asked as she grabbed her purse from the rack, while Tommy and Frankie were waiting in the car for us.

"Sure Angela. I'll love to visit Jane with you guys." I replied with a fake smile. **Mmmh it seems as if I am doing more fake smiles now than ever.**

The ride towards the hospital was quiet and awkward. It was as if no one wanted to say anything about Jane that might upset Angela or me.

"Sooo….. the doctors think Jane might wake up soon." Frankie said out of the blue trying to erase whatever weirdness had came between us.

"No offense bro…" Tommy started as he drove carefully towards the hospital side that held the long-term patients," But they have been saying that the day they told us they put her into a medicine induced coma."

Sighing as we pulled into a parking space we all silently left the car and locked the doors.

"Who knows maybe she will wake up soon." Angela said trying to brighten everyone's mood.

"I hope so as well." I said quietly as we all walked into the building and quickly headed over to the sign-in and a sly smile from Tommy to the receptionist.

Jane's P.O.V:

"Oh God!" I moaned out as my eyes tried to adjust to the lighting.

"Oh look who come back from the dead. Everyone was worried about you, Janie." Said a voice to the left of me.

*Yawn* "no offense but who are you?" I stated bluntly not even caring if I had even offended the man.

"I see that you still haven't worked on your attitude Jane, it's a shame too. I come all this way from New York and you don't even recognize me." The man said with a depressing sigh.

"I'm sorry but I really don't know or remember you. How do you even know me?" I asked somewhat uncertain of if I wanted to know. But there was this feeling, deep down inside of my soul I knew I knew him. I just couldn't pinpoint who he was.

Maura's P.O.V:

"So we have good news for you all." The doctor with a smile as soon as he saw us walking towards Jane's room. "We're happy to inform you that Jane has woken up and she has a visitor at the moment."

"Really? Jane's actually awake? Ma did you hear that!" Frankie yelled looking like a 5 year old on Christmas.

"Congrats everyone. She is making a steady but fast recovery for being gone for so long." The doctor informed everyone with a big and white smile on his face.

"Excuse me but did you say she has a visitor?" Angela asked with wonder painted on her face. As soon as she said that everyone got quiet and turned to hear the doctor's reply.

"Yes she does. He said he was part of her family. I presumed that you know he was coming to visit her." he had spoken with worried etched into his eyes but not his facial features.

"Um did he leave a name?"

Jane's P.O.V

So the guy left of few minutes ago and there's nothing on TV right now.

"Oh my god I could die of boredom right!" I exclaimed to no one, while grabbing a pillow and putting my face into it.

"Well that would be a shame now. You don't die when you get shot or when Hoyt had you or even when you tried to kill yourself, but you'll die of boredom?" a highly familiar voice said from the doorway.

And I couldn't help but smile as I turned to look at the door. "Frankie! What are you doing here?" I said off the bat while trying to sit up fully, but all I got was soreness from not moving enough.

"Relax Jane. You know if you move to much you can tear or injury from stomach muscles." Maura informed me as she came to sit next to me.

"Hello to you too." I said bluntly, but jokingly.

"Janie be nice to Maura."

"Fuck! Did everyone come to visit me or is this another party?" I asked with annoyance, crossing my arms and pouting slightly.

"Language Jane. No one likes a cool bad girl." came Maura's reply with a sly smile, and I couldn't help but let a small smile slip out.

**So this is the chapter. Hopefully it was good. **

**REVIEW!**

**I promise I'll update faster. Also did anyone see Katy Perry's new music video? O.o If not then watch it!**

**Also I don't own Rizzoli & Isles… :'(**

**- love, **

**Kathymata 3**


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